Food For Thought

Now, it is unlike me to 1- watch ,Oprah, or 2-Comment on it... but really I must.
There is some poor woman who got ripped up by Star Jones on The View for saying that she loves her husband more than she loves her kids. So, Oprah had her on today. (You can read her article HERE
She puts her marriage ahead of her kids. In her owns words "I am in love with my husband, and love my kids". And there was this circle of super-soccer moms on there talking about how they felt about it. Most of them were less than supportive of this point of view.
Usually- the shows on moms and women are detailed with stories of these moms who have sex as a matter of obligation to their husbands. They don't want it, are too tired for it, and could care less. Next to them on the couch are devoted men; a husband and father who finds his home life a vacuum of attention and affection, much less intimacy- even if he is getting laid- he's not getting love from it.... The wife all the while talks on about how he doesn't engage as an equal partner, and that is why she has no interest in sex... vicious circle time.
Now I have a unique view on all of this from my experiences.
Starting from my own childhood- I had the anomaly- my mom and dad were married- the whole time. They are no longer married now. They got divorced soon after I got married and moved out. Why? Well, they had issues, I suppose- but my own personal take on this is that once I left the house- they looked across the dinner table at each other, and were sitting with a stranger. Hard to work out any issues with someone who looks and feels familiar, but you don't really know anymore.
Imagine if your spouse had amnesia, and you had to build on a foundation that was at best riddled with cracks and holes. The connection over the years had withered.
It is not that I complain- they were great parents... a unified front, and stern when need be- I never got away with any kind of bullshit. In fact by the time I was old enough to get in to trouble, my early years had trained me to not bother trying. They were always incredibly supportive, and to this day are there for me, anytime for anything. I had fun as a kid.
Great Parents. However, (and I didn't understand this until I got much older), I think that they let parenthood and the stress of everyday life take priority over the relationship between them. They got so busy being mom and dad- providing and supporting and teaching- that when it came to be husband and wife again, it had escaped. And try as they did, they couldn't find it again.
I fear that for myself.
Not that I am afraid of losing my husband. As every one does, I have threatened to walk out- even to the point of packing my shit and grabbing the keys. He knows I don't play games, and he finally stopped me... I am not afraid of a divorce, per se... as if something happened tomorrow and we broke up, I would have the kids and I would move on.
I am afraid of being so wrapped up in being mommy, that I can't find the time or desire to be a partner and lover.... terrified of waking up one day, and being 50- and waking up next to a total stranger- a roommate I used to have sex with.
Sure, we all have the days when having sex it one of those things like deciding what to have for dinner. "Hamburgers or hot-dogs?... I don't care, whatever." Too tired, or too drained to care either way. Just, making that a constant... a way of existing is not acceptable.
This is actually an issue I have been mindful of for the course of my marriage, and I have gotten to a point with the kids where I have no qualms about going into my room on Saturday afternoon and locking the door behind me, so I can get some one on one time with my partner. I have no problems with them playing together for an hour without me there to hover over them, so I can reconnect, even if only a little, and tend to the needs of the man who is my best friend. I also have no problems with telling the kids, "Not now, go play", through that locked door, and making it clear we will be out "Later".
Even if all we do for that hour is wrestle around talk a bit, or doze off while discussing something completely stupid, like why the cat is retarded... it matters.
So, I guess I can count myself out of the "super mom" club. (I will no doubt post soon about they parents who over schedule their kids and inundate them with stimulation in hopes they will grow up okay... and in the process create crazy children.) I am the kind of mom who willing to let them get dirty, tend to themselves once in awhile, and who is okay with letting them be kids- So long as Iget to be a grown up too.
The best gift I can give to my kids is an example of what a healthy loving relationship between a man and a woman looks like- bickerments, kisses, discussions, and the occasional whispers from behind closed door.