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April 21, 2005
In Memory...
Everyone has that one song... The one that makes you weepy, or look through whatever is in front of you into a misty bittersweet memory. I have several of those songs- some that make me yearn for the days of my youth, some for home, there are even those I can't listen too without being reduced to a sobbing mass of raw pain- those are the songs from memories not so emotionally distant.
On my return home from the commissary today, I flipped the iPod over to the next song on the shuffle and on came the sad lyrical tones of Madonna's "This Used to Be My Playground". I haven't heard the song in some time, and it brought me from the shopping bliss I was in, to a deep emotional pool of wistful regrets.
The lyrics cut me, as I thought of those in my past that I no longer can be near... And especially the one I can't ever see again.
In the last 3 years since I came to Europe, I have lost my grandfather and one of my closest friends. When my Pop-pop died, although it was tragic and unexpected, it was after a long illness and his poor old body just couldn't go on anymore. His soul does. There are so many times I still feel him around- a if he is watching me, and getting a good laugh out if it all the while. He was such a wonderful guy- I was lucky to have him in my life, and I think of him always fondly. I tell my children about him, so he lives on in me, and in them.
My dear and beloved friend... that one I can't seem to come to grips with.
I found out 3 weeks after the fact that he had taken his own life by hanging himself in a garage. I am still angry, and confused, and terribly sad. All those things that go along with the gamete of emotions after a suicide.
But that is not what I want to say about him... He was wonderful, sweet, charming and funny. He had a tender heart under a tough exterior (you know the type), and everyone who got to know him, even a little bit, liked him. He was not without fault- heaven knows he had them... lots of them. And he had at times during the dating part of our past hurt me romantically- he never broke my heart. He never treated me with anything but dignity... He always loved me... as I was, where ever I was in my life. God, I miss him.
Thinking of him brings up the wonderful memories- he was so funny-SO funny... my times with him were always full of laughter; the side splitting, face aching, pissing myself kind of laughter. Even when he was own and depressed- he alleviated his own pain by making me laugh.... well, right after he listened to whatever my problem was with a kind ear- then he would cut up- and the problem seemed not so bad anymore.
I do not know how many mourn him- but I don't think too many. I think of anyone he encountered in his life, I feel his loss more than anyone else. (Excepting his own parents, of course).
So here is to you, Kristian Kramer. To the love you gave, the laughs you supplied, and the hearts you touched.
"... This used to be the place I ran to
Whenever I was in need
Of a friend
Why did it have to end
And why do they always say
Don't look back
Keep your head held high
Don't ask them why
Because life is short
And before you know
You're feeling old
And your heart is breaking
Don't hold on to the past
Well that's too much to ask"
Posted by TheFreud at April 21, 2005 10:37 AM
Comments
I do know someone that hurts just as much as you from this wonderful mans loss. How I found this is beyond me? Fate who knows? It caught my breath because I knew it who it was about and who it was from. I have no idea if you or his parents hate me, probly, blame has to be layed upon someone and I'm the most likely cannidate. Trust me I struggle the what could of beens, the what should have beens and the what was every day of my life. There isn't a day, not a day that goes by that I don't think about him most of my thoughts are consumed by his memories. Just so you know I loved him too. He was my sole mate the only man I ever loved probly ever will and the only one I ever said I would marry. My children loved him like a father and he loved them I know, like his own. You have no idea how much he is so sorly missed and morned each and every day of the rest of my life. I'm so sorry to the world to you to his parents that I couldn't save him that I didn't make him promice me not today like I did so many other days before. He was the most carring, wonderful, sweet, kindharted, funny oh the list could go on that I have ever known in my intire life. No one will ever compare ever.
Posted by: kari green at May 30, 2005 4:53 AM
Kari,
Seeing your comment slashed open an old wound.
As I am sure you deal with the guilt daily- I do find myself wondering... if he was in so much trouble that you had to make him promise every day, why didn't you seek intervention or help?
Why didn't you call B&B?
He would have hated you for it, probably threw a full blown temper tantrum- but it may have been a small price to pay in retrospect. It is not your fault, and everyone knows that. Your only fault in all of this may be that although you loved him, you may not have understood him... Indeed, I am arrogantly stating I know that I was one if not the only one who really understood him. I say this because he told me I was.
I still get pissed off at him a lot for what he did, and I am confounded on how to deal with being angry with a dead man.
I blame him for what he did- but yes you can carry a piece of the burden of the situation he was living in- at least half of it.
Last I heard, he was living in a house with you, your kids and your Ex. Your Ex.
His situation was 50% his fault, and 50% yours. He could never say "That's enough" to anyone he cared about. He was non-confrontational to a fault. But to let you know, I do know he had a problem with it from the jump, he just thought it would get better.
Of course, that makes no excuse for what he did to himself... to his family. He just took all he was away from everyone. Living in an emotionally tense situation is no excuse to just get up and walk out of this world the way he did.
He was my best friend, and he's just gone... and being so far away, the grieving process is a slow one. Some days I am still trying to get my believer fixed.
My heart aches for his laugh, I long to just pick up the phone and call him, not wanting to listen to the voice of reason in my head that says he's not there.
I am sorry you feel you have some burden of guilt to carry... But we all have our lots in life. Yes, I am angry, yes, I am hurt, and to answer your question- I wouldn't call B&B anytime soon. But guilt is like a bag of bricks- all you have to do it put it down.
You may have loved him as a man- a boyfriend, a companion- to me he was all those things and so much more- he was my family... and 13 years was not nearly long enough to have him in my life.
I'll have to kick his ass in the after-life for that.
Posted by: MsF at May 31, 2005 9:14 AM
