Back to Basics

I have been married to my husband, and in turn, the Air Force for over 9 years. These many moons have given me a stomach full of good and bad experiences far too numerous to recant here. Not withstanding, I grew up in the Marine Corps, and saw some of the things my parents went through- and I opted to marry into the military anyways. You can not be married to a military member, and not be married to the military itself.

It is during this time of year that my heart goes out- not just to the military members who are stranded in foreign countries that the media likes to patronize for ratings, but to the families and spouses who are left behind, again and again, to worry, fret and keep their chins up. We do our duty, saying we are married, but living as single parents, and always in the back of our minds is the fear of the bad news coming on the wings of Christmas that are we widows... Imagine living every day wondering if he will be gone tomorrow, dying in the arms of someone else's husband and father.

There is a quagmire of other crap that we must endure... Especially the families of the enlisted men. They get treated more like shit, get put farther into the cross-hairs of danger, and frankly, the money really sucks. A typical USAF guy who has been in for 10 or so years makes about 28K a year. You know any accountants dedicated to a job 10 years who make a pittance like that?

There are times we would rather go see a cauldron stirring witch than a military doctor for treatment... (There is nothing comforting about a man in BDU's giving you a pap smear.) Try explaining to someone who has never experienced this life why your old man has to do something that seems completely retarded and idiotic to normal people, and has no choice in the matter. Better yet, try biting your lip if your office-man were to come home and say, "The boss said I have to go back to school to get another job I don't want...and we have to move somewhere else to do it....of course there is no extra money in it. I just have to do it....and when we get there- I will be leaving on a 6 month business trip, so you will have to set up household and life without me."

Often times, the spouse is in a strange place, with unknown people, unsure of what to do or where to go. If the spouse is new to the military life, she is overwhelmed and often stuck, feeling life has dealt her into a game she didn't ask for. My husband missed the pregnancy and the birth of his first child, having gotten his orders for Korea 2 days after we found out we were expecting. A girlfriend of mine left Germany last year pregnant, and subsequently served her first pregnancy and first separation concurrently. As if delivery wasn't hard enough, without having to do it alone.

We have benefits and retirement. We have the commissary and the BX. We have some base housing, and maintenance. They provide overseas families with schools for their children, and doctors for their ailments. We even have a savings plan that works like a 401 K... It all comes at a hefty price. For some spouses, it has the ultimate price tag. No matter how proud we are of our man for his sacrifice, that beautifully folded flag is not what we want back from the Armed Forces- we want the guy we married, and sometimes we just can't have it.

We pay bills, and help our kids with homework, and fix the car, and mow the lawn, and deal with the in-laws, and go to meetings with teachers, and a myriad of other things that usually takes a couple to accomplish. We carry it off with an air of grace and dignity. We do it silently. We do it proudly... and, yes, sometimes we absolutely hate every second of it, no matter how big we smile and tell you we are proud of our spouse for what he does "over there". Keep that in mind when you see a frazzled woman in your town with that 50-yard stare trying not to lose it with her kids just barely under control in the aisle of Walmart. She could be one of us, and at the end of that proverbial rope- but she is trying her damndest, and won't let go for anything.

Behind every great man is a greater woman... The spouses (kids and parents, and sisters, etc), are the glue that holds this great military nation together.