I lied a little, but only to me.

So, not intentionally or anything. I thought maybe I was doing okay, but I wasn't. Topamax sucks big dicks, (then they get caught in your throat). At least for me. We have a new side effect.... spontaneous vomiting. I was just sitting here after dinner, getting my re-runs groove on, ala Buffy, and suddenly had the urge to go boot my dinner. I have stopped taking said pills.
It's not just the side effects, but with the up and coming bon voyage to my uterus coming, I feel I could be handling this a lot better than I am. I am on some kind of am emotional tear- going for a biggest bitch of the year award this weekend.... So fuck all. Truth be told I feel like I am losing my grip, having these totally rational conversations on one side of my head- trying to talk the other really pissed off and depressed side down. Most people get the urge to hit something once in awhile.... I want to stand on my fourth floor balcony with my plates and throw them like frisbees, just to see if I can get them to explode when they hit that tree.
I am sure Dr. R is going to have a field day with the crazy woman who likes to self medicate, but I think I want to be put back on the other stuff. Some extenuating circumstances have come to light regarding that fucking nazi-torture device of an IUD that makes me think the former drug safer and better for me than being on the up and down hellevator I am currently riding.
In the mean time I find myself grieving the upcoming loss of my uterus as if it were some beloved member of my family with a terminal illness- which is stupid... as I have been pretty sure for some time now of 2 things. Firstly, I am sick of this fucked up idea of a cycle my body has, and secondly, I do not want anymore kids- I am crazy enough with the two I have... Yet, I cry. Maybe it is like feeling terrible watching your "bad kid" get sent to death row. He's a bad kid, but you still love him....
I need a beer.... as soon as the topamax wears off, I'll go get me one.