Holy Shit! It IS!!!

It is a mommy blog!

But only on holidays... birthdays, Christmas, Halloween and such. As I had the whole surgery ordeal, I opted to cheat my ass off this year and not sew costumes for the kids. Shame on me, right? Fuck it. They looked good. So did I.... I DID manage to find the time to sculpt fangs for myself out of dental acrylic... (I also managed to bite the shit out of my lip with the sharp fuckers during our perusal around base.)

I gotta say- compared to the pillowcase full hauls of my childhood- this on base trick or treat shit sucks one. The places are too far apart- and with 4 stairwells in each building- and in each of those, 8 apartments... each resident assumes the others will pass out candy- and so there are like 2 or 3 people for each building (out of how many, you cheap bastards?!)... Limited and alloted 2 hours of time to get all the candy they can... It sucks.

The kids get a few bits of booty in the bottom of a plastic bag- not a sack full of loot to last until Easter. I doubt it will last until the end of the week. They had a great time and don't know any better- once we get back stateside (someday) their first Halloween they are gonna say "Boy, trick or treats in Germany sucked balls, mom." I will be forced to agree.

Working

Not much to say about today... So check over at my sewing pics site to see what has kept me from going completely fucking nutso the past few days.

I have to get to the store to buy the last minute shit for my kids costumes. I know the BX won't have it- but it always give me a chance to use my improvisational skills. I really really hate that place- I get pissed off before I even walk out the door.

Too.. something

Ever had so much to say about what you want to talk about- that you just can't say shit?
Well, that's me today.
I'm depressed and depressing- and although I have tried 4 times to write it out for y'all, it just wasn't reading right- so fuck it.
I'm depressed about how terribly I am missing my friends. The holidays coming- that time of year when we miss home and spend too much fucking money. I'm stressed about the long term after effects of this surgery on my sex life. I also pissed myself off- put a load of clothes in the dryer last night and forgot to turn the fucking thing on- so now I have to pull it out and rewash the fucker so it doesn't smell like mildewed moldy ass.

It's just one of those "Lots of little shit" days, and no one thing is worth going into great detail about -as it would be incredibly boring for you to read, and non-therapeutic for me to write. Gonna go do redo that load of clothes and cuss under my breath for an hour or three. That should help.

"Boob" Tube

With my recent recovery, for lack of anything else to do, I have spent hours watching the one-eyed mind fucker... much more than I would care to. In honor of my couch confinement, I am compiling a list... My collection of the biggest pieces of shit shows and people on television.

*The Individual Awards*

Bill O'Reilly. This guy is a bonafide schmuck. Not because I think his political views are wrong (I do, but that's not why I hate him) He asks a question, then cuts off the person he asked to interview if he doesn't like what they are saying, and never lets them complete a fucking thought. This silly bastard writes books for young people... To teach the kids the way to prove their point? The way to be "right" and win a debate? Talk over/louder than the other guy, then tell them their time is up. Asshat. I don't know why the peckerhead doesn't just get a cardboard cut out of the person to talk AT, as he doesn't interview or talk WITH anyone. I bet his dick has callouses on it- there's alot of self love going on with someone that arrogant.

Emeril Legasse. I seriously don't know what's worse... An unfunny loud mouth Masshole who thinks he's hilariously entertaining, or a crowd who thinks a guy in a white shirt throwing pepper in a pan and saying "Bam!" is worth a round of cheers and applause. Seriously, people? "Bam"?! That's entertaining? That's worth an ovation? It's COOKING- and they act like he is curing cancer or stamping out world hunger with his pots and pans. My daughter does more entertaining cooking shows in her bedroom with her E-Z bake oven. Might I reccommend Alton Brown... he's a corn ball- but at least you can make and use the recipes he does. Emeril, on the other hand? Total. Fucking. Tool.

Gordon Ramsay- The screaming foul mouthed Irish Chef on Hell's Kitchen... Dude! You're a cook. You're NOT scary, tough, or hard. You wear paper hats and chekered polyester pants. I know you wanna be all Ghengis Khan the tyrant and shit, but... see above- A Cook. A Chef. I'll even give you A Gourmet. None of these things equate with Bad Ass.

Ashton Kutcher- The fucking pudwhacker. The punk'd thing- the new wave of candid camera- except you pull your shit on spoiled ass rich bitches and sports stars. It's just another show demonstratrating how rich assholes have too much fucking time and money on their hands.

*The Group Awards*

Reality TV started out kinda cool. It has seriously slipped since. The only decent one I have seen that are left are... well, Amazing Race and.... um... Hold on! I'm thinking! Even the ever popular "Survivor" is hitting new highs in boredom. Assholes on an island, whoopie. Asscracks full of sand, big bikini titties, and shirtless men- back stabbing each other in the jungle. It's old and worn out. HEY! I've got it! How about Survivor:Antartica? You get an igloo, a parka, a fishing pole, and a knife. Live on that, shithead. I think it would be endlessly more entertaining to see skinny bitches in bulky jackets try to run across the ice.. slip, fall, and bust their bony asses on a frozen lake. Wanna know why it would never work? Cause you can't have tits hanging half out in subzero temperatures... and there go the ratings.

Fear Factor sucks too- how many gross fucking things can you watch people eat without reching for the remote? How many times can we stand to hear Joe count down to start and watch people cling onto spinning scaffolding on cranes? Wanna scare the piss out of somebody? Tie them to a chair and make them watch you hand out their bank account and social security numbers to a group of expert computer hackers. The first one to shit their pants loses.

The all time low? Dancing and Skating with the Stars. What the shit it is that? I bet the exec who came up with these shows was the one who had her college dorm room decorated in pink fuzzy pillows, hello kitty shit and unicorn posters until she was 26 years old. There are good concepts for shows out there- and then there is Dancing/Skating with the stars. Creamed Christ on Toast! This is the motivation for me wanting to beat the ever loving shit out of someone on the streets of Hollywood. How stupid can you get?!

What show can't you stand and why? Discuss.

Up and Down

Yes, I know I promised you all that after my surgery I would get back on the blog trail and keep you all entertained with my snarky bitchery. I didn't expect to be still in pain nearly 2 weeks later- at least not this much pain. Everyone says "Good days, bad days" post op. As it has only been 12 days- I have had a few more bad days than good ones.

Worry not, I am not dying- it is self induced pain from waking yesterday morning and feeling pretty damn good- and thinking- "Hey I think I'll do something today." After doing it I was forced to tell myself, "Self, that was really fucking stupid! You really fucked up!"

Yesterday I was going completely stir crazy, and I had to get the hell out of here for awhile. I just had to. Heading for the BX, I figured I would pick up a few little things; not be out for long, just a little while... I came home not even an hour later. I was exhausted- like I had decided to chase a fucking truck down ala dumb dog style- but not a lot of pain. No- the pain waited until t his morning to rear it's ugly head.

Back to couchland for me. There is going to be a permanent print of my ass in this furniture by them time I am over this, and I will have to get new cushions. Maybe new furniture. OH, OH, Maybe a whole new house full of shit.... nah. I'll settle for my trip to Disneyland Paris in the spring.

Which First?

I so very rarely get into the politics thing, because as much as I like confrontation, I think there are far better things to start shit about than a bunch of self-serving asshats in Washington. So I will make this short and sweet.

Maybe I didn't pay that much attention before- but it seems to me that there are people who are being asked to run for President. Asked to run. The country seems to be behind people who haven't even announced their interest in the position, and I don't remember having seen anything quite like it before. For example, Barack Obama, and Hillary Clinton. THEY haven't put their hat in the ring- seems the country is trying to throw it in for them. Now, I am not trying to get behind one or the other- or anyone opposed to them for that matter. But a few years back, I don't remember seeing this kind of shit on the news about McCain or John Kerry. Did I miss it? Was there a clamboring of "We the people" asking these guys to please consider running?

It may be just my askew vision of the world- but it is like a portion of the country is saying, "Please, we need YOU. Save us!". I even saw people in OTHER nations on TV today saying that Obama is what America needs. The average citizen of the international community? Think the world is trying to tell us something about the current administration?

It also raises an interesting question in my mind. Given Hillary or Obama... which would we see in the white house first? A woman or a black man? Not who would do a better job, but with the general ideals of our twisted nation... A country who says women are equal, but doesn't treat them as equals, and who says men of all races and colors are equal- but doesn't live like it believes a single word of it.... Which do you think we will see first?

Discuss.

It's Out

Ah- the wonder that is LRMC. Upon check in at radiology this morning I was told a machine was broken and there would be a delay... as I was NOT going to reschedule- I bit my lip and took a seat. After 25 minutes, I opted to go ask the lady at the counter how much longer, and I told her how incredibly uncomfortable I was with a catheter jammed in me whilst sitting on her hard chairs. She must have called somebody, because surprisingly the tech came and talked to me, and got me back within 10 minutes. Jammin'!

It was a long and uncomfortable process with my big bare ass on an ice cold x-ray table- as they couldn't seem to get the foley disconnected to inject the contrast material into my bladder. They tried really hard not to pull it- but it got pulled, and I jumped, it got twisted and I jumped, it got pulled again and I let a "Oh, Shit" slip... But hey- I saw my bladder on TV today! How fucking cool is that? Then they took the Cath out. It hurt like a muthafucker- but it's out! Yay!

Yes I am still hurting. In fact, I am suddenly more acutely aware of the soreness and pain in my pelvic region. My plans? Percocet and a hot bath! Been wanting to get my ass in the tub since I got home from the hospital- and now that there is no bag'o'piss to contend with I think I shall. Just pray I don't drown from falling asleep in the water. :)

Such a Heel

As I have come to realize that after ten years of marriage, I suck at being gracious about accepting help from my husband and family- no matter how necessary that help is... I figured today I would use my guilt over watching K2 doing all my jobs in he house as blog fodder. I thought, "Today I will sing his glory and awesomeness to the world." Of course when I sat down to do so- it came out sounding like I am being a big stupid ass, and feeling sorry for myself. More of a wah-wah me than a yay-yay him. I tried 4 times to write it, and it was damn depressing to read "I am such an asshole." in six different ways- no matter how well written. Opting to not throw a pity party for myself, I deleted it. So, let me just say- my husband is treating me like royalty- cooking and cleaning and seeing to my needs- and I feel like a fucking heel for it. He's a wonderful guy.

In the mean time I have been getting some of the Christmas shopping and list making done. Some of my people are really easy to shop for... some not so much.. and a few make me want to pull my fucking hair out. You know the type. The ones who say "Oh, I don't want anything", or, "Anything will be fine- it's the thought that counts." They say that- but you know 90% of the shit you get them will either be put on a shelf in the closet unopened or returned-maybe even regifted. Fuck you people and your thought that counts. Give me something I can work with. To help those of you that have an equally hard time finding the right gift- I found some "gift ideas" that just might be the thing for that oddball in your life you want get a gift for but you don't know what.

For the cook in your life
The Computer Whiz or "That Guy" in your office
For the entrepreneur
For the man in your life
For the lady that has everything (and people actually BID on this shit!)

Update on Me

So, here I am, pretty much confined to the couch. K2 is great... he is cooking and cleaning and entertaining the kids. Even the rugrats are helping out, asking me if I need anything. That's the end of nice things I have to say- (and if you are squemish, please, surf on to your next favorite blog site).

What I need is an uninterrupted night of sleep. A dusk til dawn period of time without having to get up an empty the fucking foley bag every 4 hours. Yes, that's right... as parting gift from the hospital, I got a catheter to wear home. Until Wednesday morning, I get the joy-joy chore of emptying the bag of piss strapped to my leg. Nasty? Yes. Beyond that- it is terribly uncomfortable. Feels like I have to piss 24/7, and wow, does it make showers loads of fun!

On the up side, I have a shit load of pills to deal with the various bits of after care. Percocet for pain, Motrin from swelling, anti-biotics to avoid that wonderful world of infection... I even got a box of fancy opium based suppositories so I don't rip my ass apart when I have to fart or shit. Ever see a woman post-op try to get a little medicine bullet inserted in the most uncomfy of places?

There is also that sensation called by the hyster sisters "swelly belly". The fucking understatement of the century. By the end of the day I am ready to be tied to ropes and floated down the parade route in front of Macy's on Thanksgiving day. It doesn't hurt, but now I can say I know what it feels like to be a weeble- wobbling, but not falling down.

I am not sorry I did it, and after Wednesday, I am sure I will be a million times better... but seriously... this is the little shit that I didn't expect. The kind of crap that one can't really be prepared for, even if warned in advance by that long list of "possible complications" your doctor gives you. I'll check in later- for now it is back to the couch and the never ending disgust with our lack of television programming... at least until the medicine kicks in, and I pass out for a few hours in a blissful fog of happy pills.

Made It

I'm home. I lived through the surgery.
I hurt and I am drugged, so I will regale you with my story later this week... but everything went mostly well.
Keep up that good ju-ju bitches! I need it!

None

Well, this is it. I have to be at the hospital in less than 2 hours.
So- send good ju-ju vibes for me, and I'll see you on the other side!

Cold

It's going to be 36 fucking degrees tonight.
The sons a bitches haven't turned the heat on yet. Apparently they are waiting for the base commander to sign off on the request. I am quite sure that fat cat bastard has a heated house while I sit here bundled in blankets pretending to be a Popsicle.
Fat Cat Bastard no doubt will sign off on the heat- when he gets back from his nice long holiday weekend.
Fucker.
The heat is on in the bathrooms- (apparently they are big hearted enough to not let us freeze when wet). I think I will be sleeping on the tiles under the heater... maybe even prop my head up on the side of the tub.

Massive Suckage- FOADT

This week stands to be the worst in my life in a very long time. So, in an odd twist, I would like to say F.O.A.D. to everything in my life this week.

My best friend I have made in years is leaving Germany. In case you hadn't guessed I am not much a social butterfly. It is hard to meet people, ever harder for me to like them enough to want to hang out with them. I know, big fucking shock, huh? MsFreud is anti-social! Call the papers! Not just Heidi, but everyone I have managed to meet and even become acquainted with has gone, and making all new friends again is just not something I think I can do.
My children are terribly upset at the thought of losing their buddies- (her boys). My poor little guy had a crying jag two days ago. He said, "I hate the Air Force. It makes people go away!" It is hard for them to understand this military life and the moving that comes with the territory. Although I went through it, I hurt for him. My heart is breaking into a million pieces, and it fucking sucks.

Tuesday I get to spend the day in prep for the anesthesiologist. I really fucking hate those bastards. It's a five hour appointment designed to take care of all the pre-op tests- heart and lungs, labs and brain function. Everyone gets to be there 5 hours. Never mind the fact that I only have one fucking piece of paper to sign, and vitals to be taken. No dice, bitch- have a seat and wait behind the old farts who need a through run down before we crack them open for a triple bypass. It's total bullshit... and stress I don't need before Wednesday. Assclowns.

Of course Wednesday is the big day... It's goodbye Uterus day. Let's have a party- or at least a drink. The doc says I could be out of the hospital as soon as Thursday night- but she won't let me out until she is sure I can hike the never ending staircase to my fourth story house without my pelvic floor falling through. So hopefully by Friday, I should be getting doped up on Percocet in the privacy of my own home. (Hopefully)

I am sad, and scared, and restless, and exhausted. I have this big fucking cry locked inside, and for some reason I can't get it to come out... it's like emotional constipation. I get as far as that horrible painful lump in my throat, then gets stuck. Is it possible to hurt too much to cry- and just shut down?

My life sucks ass.... Holy shit- I hope I didn't depress you too much. Jesus Christ!! Somebody tell a joke or something!

Why Did You Ask?!

Dumb shit of the day:
I pull into the EHoff gate today on my way to run some errands. (When I got to the gate- my bladder was on the verge of busting. Cue the annoyed Chris look.) The Rent-a-cop at the gate tells me...
"You'll have to go for a vehicle inspection."
"Okay." I answer, a bit impatiently, but nice none the less.
"Do you know where it is?" He asks.
"Yes." I respond, a bit agitated that he wouldn't hand me back the ID cards.
"You have to go over there and take a lef..."
"Yes! I know where it is, thanks!" Yes, I snapped it at him at this point- I would dare say, I spate the word thanks. I had to pee, and I had gone from mildly irritated to royally pissed in 0.4 seconds.

What a fucking tool. You just asked me if I know where it is, then you proceed to give me directions on how to get there? Never mind the fact that you, yes you, watched me try to sign in Bozo the Clown 3 days ago, you pud whacker. Then you witnessed me sign in someone else the next day, and saw me take him though the vehicle inspection check point... That aside; I said, "Yes" when you asked if I knew where to go... and you proceed to spell it out anyways?!

It's the little things like this that completely piss me off... the shithead was holding my ID card and using it between his stubby hairy fingers to point the way to the checkpoint- after I told him I knew where it was. They let these men carry real guns too! Thanks, Rent-a-cop! You're my hero!

Stupidest. Man. Alive.

Since my friend got moved out of her house, I have become somewhat obsessed with getting rid of some junk in the house. I saw how much shit she had to throw out, and it occurred to me how much shit one family accumulates over the course of a few years. I found the answer in the base newspaper. The ad said- handyman, yard work, cleaning and small moves. I thought to myself "Self, that is the answer." I can hire this guy to come get my junk and take it to the recycle center.

Having made the phone call and set up the date for my junk hauling, I started gathering my bits of shit. Bed rails and an old mattress, a broken fan and some glass shelves from an old cabinet... just a veritable mish mash of shit that I no longer wanted in my house. The appointment was made for Tuesday, as when I asked him about Friday-he said he couldn't do it. On Tuesday, an hour before he was supposed to be here, he called and said he couldn't make it. Fucker-face. So now I have this tetris stacked pile of shit in my living room having been gathered from various rooms in the house. Way pissed off, but I would deal.

Okay, so Friday it is then. (That's right- the day I wanted to do it in the first fucking place, but I digress.) Friday afternoon, I got down to the gate five minutes early. I sat there and waited... Germans are notoriously late. As I sit there and make funny with the gate guards at the check point for about 20 minutes, I get a call from my beloved. The guy has called him looking for me. Stupid bastard. So I walk off base, though the gate, and tell him to drive up to the gate... I also notice half of his POS truck is full of chip sealing. It's a flat bed truck- no sides- full of chip seal. How does he plan to haul my shit? Anyways....

This guy is rather dirty, and a little smelly, but we have come to expect that in Germany, haven't we? Not just tore up looking clothes, but nasty teeth that looked like he had just had lunch in my cat box. So I take late'n'stinky to the check point- to be inspected and get signed on, so he can accomplish the ultimate goal of getting rid of my shit puzzle that is still sitting in the living room.

He has no registration for his car. Fucking stupid bastard. THIS fucking guy- advertises in the base newspaper... not like I went trolling the local german rag for help- no, I found this silly prick in the military base newspaper... and he shows up at the gate of a military base to be signed on- without proper documentation to get on base. How fucking stupid can you get? One might think that someone who advertises in a military paper might be a little familiar with the process of getting on a fucking military base. After the hour and a half fiasco of trying to get this pud whacker on base, I was mo' pissed. The guy is officially the Stupidest. Asshole. Walking.

Thankfully the security guard "knew a guy", and I got my junk hauled never the less by the really nice stoner guy with the tattoos, long hair and coke nail... and he didn't stink. Bonus. Still- how stupid can a human being get? Damn. DAMN. Creamed Christ on Toast! Get a clue, shithead.