Cats and Trees

Two things that don't belong in a house... Cats and Trees. They are especially prone to cause trouble when in the house at the same time. I gaze lovingly at my pretty Christmas tree, with it's pretty lights and sparkling ornaments. Lo and behold, what do I see? The yellow glaring eyes of a Fat-shit cat staring back at me.

The corpulent piece of crap doesn't just lay under the tree either. He feels the need to climb his wide load up into the artificial branches. This is an animal that never spent a day outside in his life- he wouldn't know how to climb a real tree if he was running for his useless life- but there he is, 3 tiers up looking at me.

He is wondering if I see him, (because he thinks I am a T-Rex and my vision is based on movement). His fat fucking ass is so big, it is hanging down between the outstretched arms of the limbs he is sprawled across. Wrong answer, my portly friend... and I got the squirt bottle. His big butt was scrambling before I pulled the trigger, but I did manage to soak his paunchy ass before he got to the hallway.

What bothered me more... Pig-bitch cat was in there too, and she took off running like her ass had just caught fire. So Fat-shit cat is teaching Pig-bitch cat bad habits regarding the whole Christmas tradition. Heh... she hasn't learned what the squirt bottle sounds like- I'll get to hose her at least a few times before her stupid ass figures it out.

There is the tinsel issue to address. Cats eat tinsel. It's a given- like dogs eating cat shit- it's just something they have to do. Makes the litter box festive, though, with the silver bits stringing turds together as I fish them out with the mini-rake. When they feast on tinsel, they invariably chew off a few bits of green plastic tree needles, and I find those too, either in the litter box as decoupage crap, or fun little piles of cat puke in the hallway... at 2:30 am... in the dark... with my bare fucking feet. I don't understand why they don't figure it out- eat tree, get sick, but they don't... or they have figured it out and they don't care. Fuckers.

The tree is shuddering again- I get to go shoot Fat-shit cat with water and watch his wide ass run away so fast that he loses traction on the wood floor and slams, head first, into the wall. Now if I can figure a way to get him out even quicker, without him bringing down the whole damn tree.

Heh. I love Christmas.