Bipolar Cure

For my bipolar friends.... I know there are those of you who go manic and get all giddy and euphoric. When you go up- you go really up. I have the cure!!! If you are feeling just way too good about life- and know it is going to lead to an inevitable crash- try my therapy! It's faster than pills, and is guaranteed to give that manic euphoria pause!

Find the smallest pair of jeans you can fit in- your favorite pair. The ones that make your ass look nice, and hit just right in the leg. Throw them into the washing machine on warm (not cold)- as if they were caught in with the wrong group of colors. When the wash cycle is complete- don't hang them dry- but put them in a nice hot dryer for at least an hour. When the dryer is done- leave the load overnight, so as to let your favorite jeans get nice, cold and stiff.

Now for the therapy for your mania... (It works best if it is that day during your monthly cycle that you get puffy and bloated with water weight, and you face is broken out in pubescent zits.) Go get your cold, stiff, processed jeans from the dryer and pull them on. Feel the mania slip away as you suck in and jump up and down, making laps around the foot of the bed, to get the tight fuckers on. Feel that euphoria go by the way side, as you consider laying on the bed to zip the denim skin over your water retaining ass. As you puzzle the problem of them having fit fine two days ago- wonder if it is possible to put on 8 pounds in 36 hours.... and that manic upswing will be gone like it was never there.

Still feeling a little too good about yourself? Go get your sneakers.... any pair of tying shoes will do. With your prison tight pants on and zipped up- find a kitchen chair to sit in, and proceed to put on your shoes, and tie them... No cheating now! You have to stay in the chair, and the pants have to stay buttoned... Push your endurance to the limit as you feel consciousness slip away... as you must hold your breath while trying to tie fast enough... before you pass out from lack of oxygen to the brain. You may find cussing under your breath while tying helps. Call your jeans names, and bitch out your shoe laces for fighting with you.

Your mania should be all but gone now, but just to make sure- go look in a mirror at the waistline of your jeans- and note the little pouchy roll'o'you sticking out from the top of them. Allow your eyes to drift downwards to that fabulous new look your jeans have given to your vaginal area... Especially the new "Camel Toe" you are sporting, giving your female crotch the look of a set of divided man's mini-balls.

There, now, your euphoric mania is gone... Doesn't that feel so much fucking better?!