One of those...

Today is one of those days where my life sucks. As I spent the majority of the day yesterday nursing a puking headache, the house looks like a bomb went off in it... the kitchen floor looks like I dumped the trash on it and spread it around with a wet mop... and I have 5 loads of laundry staring at me. Today is not much better, as now my headache has ordered a side of sore throat, and I twisted my bad ankle stepping on a fucking plastic toy in the hallway. Give me a hump in my back and call me Igor.

There is so much to do, and a blatant lack of motivation to get it done. The weather could be partly to blame- the blue in the sky only comes out maybe 1 in 10 days lately. I feel isolated and alone, so far from my family... My friends are gone, and phone calls just aren't cutting it. I want to sit in the sun and have a good talk with someone- a few laughs, a little cry- and it's just not possible.

When I think about the future, I get freaked the fuck out. We have options- we could stay here. We could go back to the states. Both hold perils.... Staying here; well I just don't know. After having moved so much growing up, it is tough to stay in one place for a long time. Add that to being in a foreign country and my heart gets all shriveled up when I consider spending another 3 or 4 years here, especially knowing that when we leave we'll end up still so far from home in the frozen wasteland that I think Alaska will be- or the tropical rainy bug infested jungles of Hawaii.

I feel sick at times when I realize my kids have spent more years of their life in Germany than they have in America. Of course, K2 is here. I don't wake up wondering each morning if this is the day he gets orders to Iraq. It never crosses my mind. That's a BIG, BIG plus. It is a special and unique situation compared to a vast majority of military spouses. It makes no sense to me how I can love that so much, and still long to leave... Wish we could just be done with this place.

We could roll the dice and take our chances of going back stateside in 18 months. Then we could be in proximity to a Wal-mart and Olive Garden... But that could be in some ass backwards shit hole like Tinker AFB, where going to Wal-Mart IS what to do on the weekends, and a good paying job is $6.00 an hour. More than likely, I would be there in shithole USA alone. I know as sure as I sit here that returning to the states will mean K2 gets sucked into that 12 month rotation bullshit of this dangerous and immoral war. He would likely be gone within 4 months of our return. Then I could sit in a house in tornado alley and wish I was back here- so at least I didn't go to bed sick with worry every night.

Yes, I am down and feeling like shit, and I am sure it will pass... returning to a gnawing ache in the back of my mind that I can ignore. It never leaves me completely, not really. There are no easy answers here, and I am thankful that we have a few months left to change our minds thousands of times before we settle on a plan.