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March 8, 2007
Mortality Issues
I am not quite the post whore these days as I have been known for in the past. While I find my time full of... well, shit to do, mostly, and my head crowded with shit to think about... I have had a hard time finding time or ambition to write about it.
Somehow I get the sneaking feeling that both of my grandmothers are not going to last too much longer... It could be the surgeries and constant trips to the doctors. Yes, it sucks... and I am somewhat emotionally disconnected from the whole concept. Easy to do when there is 6000 miles between me and them.
Worry plagues me as to how I am going to handle it when the inevitable comes. I should go back for services and such- but I can't lie and say I want to. Did that a few years back for my Grandfather's passing, and I got to spend two glorious weeks being made to feel like a 6 year old... always in the way, and more an irritant to be tolerated than anything else. Real nice after spending $400, and 20 hours traveling to get there within 36 hours of getting the call that he was gone. That's even with me being his favorite, and the only of his grandchildren to show up... yes, my cousins live a mere 150 miles away- but I was the one who was there.
It may seem cruel and heartless to be selfish and say I don't care to go... especially on the Maternal side- but fuck all- going means I have to throw that blissful emotional disconnection down the shitter, and expose myself to more pain than just her passing away, but being reminded how insignificant MY heartache and sadness is compared to others, just because I view death at the end of a long happy life as the next step, and choose to think back and smile on the good times instead of wallow in the pain of death. There is also that 6000 miles away thing to consider. Were my Grandfather witness to all that "boo-hooing bullshit" when he went, he would have kicked and chewed ass about it. I tried to honor that, and see him as he was, happy and funny and witty- and I got brushed aside, barked at, and dismissed for it. Fucking hell, I don't think I can go through that shit again. It hurt.
The other side of the family... not such an issue. My Paternal grandparents... they like me okay, I guess, but... I am obviously forgotten because I am in Europe, and it would be thought more odd if I showed up than if I didn't. The only reason I would go would be to support my dad- as his family/siblings are really fucking screwy and are about as supportive to lean on as water. That in and of itself has me scrambling to sock away $400 for another plane ticket on short notice. THAT is really important to me. His extended family? Blech. Never hear from them, really... except chain letters and happy-god spam emails from my Aunt. It's something, but not fucking really, you know? Couldn't give a shit less if I saw them. Summary? A lot of selfish fucking people in that circle, and the after math of that passing would be akin to a national geographic special on the feeding habits of buzzards...
Not that they are particularly bad people, they aren't- but one sibling is and always has been poor and struggling, with poor and struggling adult children. She was fortunate enough to have male children- which makes her kids better than me. (Don't ask.)
The other of his siblings- a real piece of work- has been totally head fucked since puberty, and childless, and has only gotten worse since hitting 40. She doesn't talk to me- even when I am right in front of her- cause she doesn't like my mother- my mother who she hasn't seen in a decade- but she is way too good to talk to me, despite me being her favorite when I was a child. (She can suck my big rubber dick... as I never did or said anything bad to her. Fucking bitch....) I digress.
All this, of course, naturally progresses to the thoughts of my own parents aging. As I inch closer to 35 and 40, my parents are aging. I am not ready to face it yet... Yes, I am a fucking coward. When time comes, I will naturally sail through it with grace and dignity- and a lot of anti-depressant therapy.
The last few years, I have had the intense displeasure of watching my mother fall completely fucking apart, a breath away from committal, when her father died. Now when I talk to her 4 or 5 times each week, I am seeing my mom drown in the misery as her mother's body fails and betrays her.... I hear the torture and ambiguity in her voice... she doesn't want her mother to suffer anymore, but she doesn't want to lose her either.
So every day of the week she does this dance of run Gramma to the doctor, run Gramma's errands, clean Gramma's house, do Gramma's shopping, google up the latest symptom, clean her own house, run her own errands, and try to make time for a relationship... and when she gets home, she laments the fact that she is so exhausted and emotionally ragged, and that she has to do it all over again tomorrow.
It sucks. My own ambiguity plagues me... as I worry for her- since she won't worry for herself- and being glad I don't have to witness it first hand. Wanting to be there to help her get through this, yet knowing it wouldn't do a damn bit of good, and would probably suck me into the abyss of depression and helplessness. In the mean time, I try to be as supportive as I can, (from 6000 miles away), and I wonder how I am going to face it when inevitability catches up to the family.
Fuck, I am going to drive myself insane with this shit! Any suggestions?
Posted by TheFreud at March 8, 2007 10:01 PM
Comments
Hi, I'm sorry to have to post this here, but I'm trying to email you for the bipolarplanet webring & the email I have for you is being sent back as failed delivery. Would you please either email me @ bipolarplanet@gmail.com or update your email on your ringusurf.com page? Thanks :)
Posted by: jane at March 10, 2007 1:46 AM
I wish I had the magic words of wisdom to help, but I don't. What your mom is going through sounds a lot like what my mom went through when her mom got sick and then passed. She lived next door, so she took the lion's share of the care onto her shoulders. And then, when Grandma passed (I was driving home and got there after it happened), I was there when she got home from the hospital. She got out of the car, cried out, "My momma's dead!" and fell into my arms. It tore my heart out to hear that. I did the best I could, though; I held her hand, talked with her a lot, and even though she still gets teary-eyed when she thinks about Grandma, she also smiles a lot.
I take your philosophy on death; I prefer to remember the fun stuff and laugh about it, because they're not really gone. (And yes, that attitude royally pissed off some in my family too.) Anyone who can visit my dreams as vividly and regularly as she cannot be very far away.
All you can do is all you can do. If I were to give any advice, I'd remind you that you can't take care of anyone else if you don't take care of yourself. Follow your heart; go if you want, don't go if you don't. Be there for your mom, and take the gift of separation that living 6000 miles away gives you. Trust in yourself that you will do the right thing, because you're acting from your heart.
Posted by: Christi at March 10, 2007 3:32 PM
I appreciate all the support that I get from you and from your Dad, both. And I love you both very much for it. I can only imagine that every child goes thru this period in their life when its "THEIR TURN" to take care of the parents. Yes, I am exhausted and run down from doing the errands, the chores and whatever else that Mom may need, plus my own errands and work, I also enjoy her company. Because that day is coming when I won't have that priviledge of seeing her everyday and sharing her and Pop's memories. I will have my memories of the time shared.
I can't apologize enough for what was said between the two of you when Daddy died, except that she was grieving and heart broken. We all say and do things that need to be forgiven, without having to verbally say "I'm sorry". Trust me, it tears the ass out of me to think that your only memeory of your Grandmother will be bitterness. But you have your good memories too, that you will cherish as you get older.
i can only tell you what Pop-Pop would have told you. "Dying is a fact of life and is a part of living. And when your time is here to go, who are you going to argue with not to go?" The one thing that consoles about my sweet Dad passing, is that God needed to have someone to laugh with and play guitars with. Heaven is that much sweeter to have him.
Chrissy, don't worry about me. God didn't give me big shoulders for nothing. He had his reasons. I'll be okay. I know I'll have your support when that day does come. And its okay that you may not want to be here, I understand.
But I agree that you have alot of issues to face when you come home. So, when you do come home, we can turn on the cartoons, make a pot of coffee and yak about it. Deal? :)
I love you very much. I thank God every day that you came into my life. You're the best.
XOXOXO
Mom
Posted by: Mom at March 10, 2007 7:42 PM
Why do you have a rubber dick?
Posted by: Machine at March 10, 2007 8:49 PM
Wow, your mom has taken on a LOT. She is an exceptional person to do all that for her mother.
Maybe it falls on down the line though? We take care of our children and, one day, they take care of us?
I just know when my mom's time comes, if she gets sick, it's going to be up to me, my brothers would be worthless and not able to make the "sacrifice" I'm sure. And my mom lives 2000 miles away, it will be difficult to make the decisions of what to do, do I go there? Bring her here? But it's just something I know I would do. Scary to think about, though.
I can only hope when it comes around that my daughter will do the same for me. I'm sure she would, she's a good girl and we're close and live close, also.
Um...I'm no help, but yeah, I like what you said about someone who has lived to an OLD age, we should be happy for them when they pass, that they lived a long life and when they lived a GOOD life. I don't see a whole lot to get sad about, there.
Posted by: annie at March 11, 2007 1:11 AM
Cool Site!
Johnna
http://skypraer.tripod.com
Posted by: Johnna at March 11, 2007 10:01 PM
You have a good relationship with both of your parents, that's a big plus. And when their mom's die, if you go to the services, I think you should do it to support your parents. Screw everybody else.
Your mom sounds so special. It seems as we become older, if we have a good relationship with our moms, we become more like friends & talk to each other a lot. Wanting to be friends with relatives is a huge compliment to all relatives involved.
I wouldn't dwell on this subject, except for 1 part. Think now about how you will support your parents when their parent dies. You will undoubtedly be grieving, but from what you've said, your biggest concern is going to be your parents. I'd think about that now.
The rest? One day it will happen & when it does, you'll deal with it the best you can. You will survive, so will your parents.
Posted by: jane at March 13, 2007 12:54 AM
And what color is it?
I'm thinking bright blue for some reason.
Heh.
Posted by: Machine at March 13, 2007 8:20 PM
A lady never tells, Machine :)
Posted by: MsF at March 14, 2007 6:51 PM
