Counting Down

45- there are 45 minutes left on the dryer cycle. That gives me less than an hour to not be pissed off at the world because laundry sucks so bad.

5- Five hours until the kids get off of school. On a good day I have a 50/50 shot of them not coming through the door bitching and griping at each other. My golden afternoon is kicked off with the two of them defending themselves separately in stereo as to why he said this or she did that, and why the other is wrong; this is of course complete with pointing fingers and screaming contradictions of the story one is telling by the other. The quiet and peace in the house is shattered so suddenly, it is often a shock to my system- like jumping into an ice cold lake.

50- I have 50 days left of having the house to myself, to run my own daily schedule, and get my shit done during the day. The kid's last day of school is June 14th. My son has already started his sing-song of "We get to spend AAAAALLLLL Summer together, Mom." He does with that rub it in voice.... and then giggles his bony ass off. That's fucking stellar; a whole 3 months of "I'm bored." "It's too hot to go out to play." "I'm hungry." "HE/SHE started it!" Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly, and spending time with them is great- but last summer was spent with them all up in my grill from 7 am until 9 pm.
They were told to go out and play, but it didn't seem to last too long when they did. Once or twice a week, we would go out, have lunch, and run errands... Which usually prompted the monkey shit fight or grab ass games in the commissary, BX, or back seat. We would do projects and such, but having the collective attention span of my cat on ritalin, I was unable to hold them captive for long. Seriously, they would rather fight.

56- I have 56 days to get birthday presents bought and figure out what kind of party/event I can plan to placate my daughter. Despite the success of last years big bowling bash- I am not wanting to spend $200 plus for her and her classmates to get down for 2 or so hours at the local kid trap. The theme here is finding the lowest necessary effort and cash to get the maximum happy. I have already started seeding a thought in her head of a nice quiet family thing. "Just the four of us", so long as I stipulate to yet another Disney Princess cake.

2- I have two months to sit and stew in my own thoughts about what the next step in our life will be... Until we find out wether we get to stay here or have to figure out another plan. Being in this limbo is driving me shit house loon crazy. Do we stay here? Do we go back to the states? Do we take a random shithole assignment, or volunteer for a shithole, with the security that we get to stay in said shithole for at least 5 years? There are other various options too, but all hinge on this extension thing, and I hate sitting here jobbing myself in the ass with twiddling thumbs waiting to find out.

5- This is the number of months I have get the costumes I am going to peddle for Halloween made. Shouldn't be too difficult, once I find the patterns I want, and once I manage to pull the 500 pounds of lead out of my ass and get going on said projects. Thus far the plan is to put up about 15 simple kids costumes on Sleaze-bay, and do 2 or 3 adult costumes that I can hock for the bigger bucks. This is more difficult than it sounds, as the only fabric choices I have here are over priced and exchange rate suffering shit downtown, or trying to eyeball match colors and fabrics online.

6- Months until October. That's 12 paychecks to rathole about 2 grand for our fall trip to Disney. This trip is tentatively scheduled to be taken with my mom. That is another one of those lunatic up in the air situations. She doesn't know what is going on in her life, I don't know what is going on with ours... but IF everything works out on her end, and IF we get our extension, and IF I can get good reservations, and IF she can rat hole the cash to come over and pay their side of the Disney trip... It's a shitload of IF. In the back of my mind is stewing a back up plan...

Maybe it goes like this... IF it nothing works out with these plans of mine... I will check into a quiet place with pretty with padded rooms, and nice young men in clean white coats who carry syringes of happy in their pockets...

Don't Care

I know I have not been posting. OKAY? I KNOW! Without inspiration I have not to write about. Give me a few days to get my head back in the game... You can just wait it out, or be an asshat and point out that there are no new entries.
I could ramble on about the plethora of bug guts on my windshield, the new shit I am looking at to sew, or the headache one of my websites is collectively giving K2 and me... But I won't. You've been bad, nagging readers. No cookie for you.... not all my readers, just the few who have made it a point to mention that my blog is not updated- and you know who you are!
Like I said, give me a few days to get my proverbial shit pulled into a corner and I will be back to consistent updates.

Home Again, Again

So... We made it to and from Disney again. It was wicked fun, and something I recommend to everyone who comes within 300 miles of Euro-disney! I got to see REAL pixie dust! Take that bitches! It was a gorgeous time of year to go, and despite the crowds it was glorious!

Also... You know that idiom about a few bad apples spoiling the lot? I got a full sized dose of French assholism from a couple of teenage pillow-biting peckerheads at the bus station. Had my children not been there, I would have had to start a fist fight with the little sons a bitches and leave them as a couple of bloody stumps in ugly fucking euro-trash shoes. It totally floored me that these two pricks had just spent hours in the land of exported American commercialism, and had the gall to sit there and talk shit about Americans- 500 yards from "Main Street U.S.A....

I may not speak French, but too many of the words/sentences were easy to pick out, and there was no mistaking that they were class "A" fuckmuffins. Good thing for them that they didn't ruin my vacation, because my kids were too happy to notice my quiet outrage, and did not know enough French to hear a thing. I hope they fall face first in a pile of shit somewhere in Normandy and choke... Not only for offending me, but for making the people of their own nation look bad by acting that way.

Missing...

Okay Pbo... where are you? Has anyone seen her as of late? Has she disappeared? Was she eaten? Perhaps by a roomba? WTF?!

No long and drawn out entry of bitchery today. I got stuff'n'do.

Getting Over It?

I am still taking Zithromax. It gives me heartburn and makes me thirsty. Like unquenchable, diabetes, walking through the Sahara for days thirsty... When I attempt to slake my thirst, I drink so much water that I have to piss every 20 minutes for the majority of the day. Not just tinkle- wounded race horse pissing... 38 weeks pregnant pissing... if you get between me and the crapper you'll get pissed on pissing. Sucks much. I will have to make sure to only go places that have shitters at strategically placed access points.

The antibiotics are having a mixed effect. I feel much better, and the colorful rainbow of mucus is dying out. On the flip side, my body is now bringing up all the shit that has been sitting in my lungs and sinuses. Forceful and uncontrollable coughing fits are big fun... especially when combined with the afore mentioned constantly full bladder.

Ever have to make the decision between squeezing down real tight, or trying to make it to the toilet between cough spasms as to not piss on yourself?

This morning I coughed so hard that I brought up half my coffee (only half, which was strange)... and the fucked up part was- I never felt the gag! Mid-cough, my mouth was full of shit... Good thing I had just finished drinking it before I ran for the crapper, so it wasn't all bile tasting... but as I was mid-cough and it surprised me, it ended up on the floor between my feet. Me? Completely exasperated. I think I might have laughed if I wasn't trying to keep my lungs from flying out of my mouth.

I would bore you and gross you out with the "1001 Tales of Bloody Kleenexes", but I won't bother. You get the idea. As it is, I am spending today doing laundry, cleaning house, and getting our collective shit together for our adventure into France on Thursday. Wow, ain't it exciting being me? I need more coffee.

UPDATE: Whilst doing my daily routine of turning up the music really loud and dancing through the living room thinking I was the illegitimate dancing child of Shakira and Madonna, I made a fucking fabulous discovery! My voice! It's finally fully recovered! I can sing again. It only took 21 short days to come back from the screaming on coasters and the Parisian Throat Plague. It is better to sound more like a female singer... as for some time there I was convinced I would continue to sing like Rob Zombie.Oh happy fan-fucking-tastic day! Just in time to go back to Disney and lose it all over again. Shitweasels.

Peter Pan Syndrome

Impromptu can be fun... Or it will be. On a whim, we are going back to Disneyland Paris on Thursday and spending a few days. As much as I wish I could say it was my idea, it wasn't. As they are now doing the 15th anniversary celebration, K2 wants to go back. He wants to go when the kids are out of school, which is this week. It will also be a big plus to not be freezing our fucking asses off in the 37 degree wind and rain, and have to walk around the park bundled up like Russian immigrants.

The anniversary celebration brings promise of a new parade, more walk around characters, and new rides opening. As the Princesses were not out and about last month, (I can't blame the bitches. I wouldn't want to wear those dresses and freeze either), Rachel can get her missing autographs and pictures for her book.

It only took us 4 years to get bit by the travel bug. K2 is right about one thing- There are not that many people who can say that they live less than 3 hours from a Disneyland. When I was a kid, I did- and we went more than once a year... It's a rare opportunity to create some magic memories for the kids to look back on... Okay- us too- I am a big kid at heart who still believes in magic and fairy tales. Don't tell anyone, mmk? I don't want to have to kick your ass! I have a rep to protect as an ice cold, stone hearted bitch.

Beep....

MsF is not available to come to a happy holiday blog right now. She is hip deep in a full blown holiday induced pity party of epic proportions. Please leave a message at the beep and she will return your call later.

Asshats.com

So I have this kick ass FOAD post... BUT... I can't post it yet. It has to do with some internet peckerheads stealing the collective intellectual property of one of my online social groups. In the process, they are also infringing upon one of the domain names registered to me. I hope their website gets hacked and eaten alive by a nasty virus that posts pictures of animal porn on the front page.

Should they continue to be massive cock gobblers, I will make sure to post their url so that the poor unfortunate souls who stumble upon my blog can pop over there and tell them what fucktards they are... That is, of course, in an email, as they are enormous whiny pussies and moderate/edit their comments. Oh! And they are a bunch of cheap fuckers too- as they have a free blogspot account instead of upping the cash for a domain name- you would think between the group of 8 assholes over there they could have fronted the $9.99 for godaddy... I could go on for an entire page about the problems with these needle dicked bug fuckers.

As it is, I am on my way to the doctor- I have finally figured out that I can not get rid of this respiratory plague on my own, and will be seeking the intervention of antibiotics. If that doesn't work, I will look up the local witch doctor for some good old fashioned chicken-bone rolling.