Stop it. Now.

I have 6 email addresses. Why? Because I have one for my ebay stuff, one for each of my websites, and one just for junk. The problem is, my non-junk accounts are more and more being clogged up with bullshit. I am not talking viagra-selling, vibrating ring-wearing porn stars with replica watches for sale.... I get plenty of those- but I am talking about the mindless forwards from people on some extended network of friends and family- i.e. the bitch with me on her list... who is a workmate of a friend of a cousin twice removed... who got the same email as me and made some list of asshatery for forwarding shit to. Christ on Crutches! Does it never end?!

Fucking stop already!! Don't send me some bullshit chain letter about virus warnings... I have a mac. My hard drive is NOT at risk (your brian is, apparently). If it is a valid worm or virus- odds are I will find out about it from valid technology source- and it probably won't affect my system. Cease with the warnings about scary men hiding in the backseats of cars at 7-11, or under the wheel wells ready to slash my achilles tendon to rape me... If you think I am in some mortal danger- go check snopes, then give me a call.

Stop with the foo-foo cutesy letters with kittens and flashing graphics telling me I am so special. If I am so special to you- write me a personal email, and fuck off with your chain letters. It is not bloody likely that there is a "national girlfriends day" 6 times a year. You wanna send me a picture of a kitten? Take one of your cat doing something funny and send it to me. Have something inspirational to say? Wonderful! Then tell me... but make sure it relates to my life, please.

Please do not send me political horseshit supporting the President. I think he sucks- A LOT. Likewise, don't send me spam against Bush either-Your waist high shit mail is not going to make me hate him anymore than I already do. I am not going to pass it on. I will not "keep it going". If you are looking to start a grass roots effort based on something some asshat in Washington said about immigration, congressional funding, etc- then check your fucking facts about who said what- and put together a plan... Usually it starts with contacting your senator or congressman.... Not ME.

I do not need emails about supporting the troops. I do all the supporting of the troops I need to right here at home by being married to one of them, being friends with a lot of them, and living side by side with thousands of them. If YOU want to support the troops, donate some money or volunteer at the USO... passing Spam is not supportive. It's stupid. Trust me, that shitty poem wasn't written by some Marine in Iraq to be passed in spam by his dad posthumously. We ALL remember 9-11. I know all about our boys in the desert. Keep your shit up, and I'll go take pictures of those guys down at the hospital here in Germany torn up by the war, and start spamming you.

OH! Fucking stop already with the Jesus junk mail! I am sure the Lord doesn't really care that you pass on tacky flashing gif files praising his name. He might even find it embarrassing that this is how people "Spread the Word" today. These chain letters shaming me for not passing it on- "If I am not ashamed of him"... Fuck you. Stick it in your ass, and have a nice day. You can take your inspirational stories of God's love and sacrifice and mercy and what the fuck ever else and go away. Now. It's like the email version of Jehovah's Witnesses. Do YOU like those fucksticks banging on your door?! No? Then stop banging on my email box, you zealot.

What DO I like in emails? Personal letters... with my name on them, and lacking 3 pages of forwarded email addresses. If you wanna forward something to me- copy and paste it into another email- and make sure it is worth sharing... Like a good joke. I love good jokes. Got a funny picture? Send me that too. How about a website you saw that was really awesome- copy and paste the url, with a note about the site. Got great news about you or the family or or friends? Awesome, send it to me! Need info from me? Just want to chat? That's great! I would love to hear from you... That would be YOU- not some bored housewife who has nothing better to do than compose and forward horseshit emails, just to see if it does get passed around the world 600 times. I have NO interest in becoming an annoying fuck who sends spam that threatens to give you bad luck for the rest of your life, promises a miracle tomorrow or says your dick or tits will rot off if you don't keep it going... why do you?

These are the new rules about sending MsFreud emails. Take a good look at the email- does it personally concern you, me, or something you know I like? No? Then do what I do and delete the fucker. In the very least- forward it to someone else. If you violate these rules, expect a picture back of some fat guy jacking off at his keyboard, or some old flappity assed lady flashing her grey haired beaver in full HD color and resolution, and a request to pass it on.