You Know What Burns My Ass?

Besides a flame this high....

People who leave the butter knife standing in the peanut butter jar. Creamed Christ on Toast! Can't you throw it in the fucking sink? It's 15 inches away from where you're standing! Is that too much trouble Puddin'?

If you feel the compulsive need to hand wash dishes... Don't forget to unplug the sink when you are done! Nothing is nastier feeling than cold, left over, greasy, fucking dish water that I have to stick my hand in to drain the sink. I'd rather be a proctologist for a day- at least that way I know what I am touching. How lazy can you get? Your hands are already in there, pud. Pull the stopper, or expect to get a glass full of said nasty water thrown at you. It may eat your face off, buster.

If you come to my house and help with the dishes. Don't look for a towel to dry dishes with. I don't have any. I don't towel dry my dishes. It's nasty. That towel could have all kinds of crap in it... No I don't give a fuck if it just came from the washing machine. If you wash a load of clothes and forget it overnight, ever notice next morning it smells like mildewed ass-crack? The washing machine is not an autoclave. So... Don't dry my dishes. Just deal with the fact that they will have to sit there and drain until dry.

Absolutely do not walk into my kitchen while I am cooking and start scrounging for a snack to tide you over. Likewise, don't say you aren't hungry, and 10 minutes after dinner is done go on the hunt. It's insulting. You might as well nut up before supper and say, "I don't want what you're making" instead of pulling that not hungry shit. Likewise, if you tell me at 4 p.m. that you are not eating tonight. Don't come into the kitchen at six, empty plate in hand expecting that I made something you will want to eat. Starve... somewhere else.

(This is a big one) Please, for all that is sacred. STOP! STOP! STOP! leaving empty containers in cabinets. I can handle the mild irritation that comes with going to the cupboard to look for Oreos and not finding any. I can not describe the rage of seeing the Oreo bag, reaching for it, mouth a-waterin' and getting a empty plastic husk sans Oreos. This goes for chips, cookies, crackers, pudding boxes, peanut butter jars, and cereal boxes.
A similar piss off comes from pouring a bowl of cereal out... and finding no fucking milk in an empty carton in the refrigerator. What the fuck is wrong with you? Throw the damned thing away, and tell me we need more! Jesus H. Jumping Christ! Don't put back a carton with 1 tablespoon of milk in it, you lazy ass! Seriously... what the fuck is wrong with you?!

In the very least could I trouble you to put your dishes somewhere NEAR the sink? How about scraping the food on them into the trash first? If not, put them fully loaded with your sloppy leftovers on the counter. I don't have a garbage disposal- the Germans don't believe in them- and I am not fond of having to turn my finger into a make shift disposal blade to swirl and force shit down through the drain so the sink doesn't clog up. I am even willing to make a concession of putting a colander in the sink for you to dump your shit in... just stop leaving your plates EVERYWHERE in the house. And stop throwing plates full of bones, noodles, green beans, oatmeal, cereal, (my personal fav) lettuce, and meat fat in the sink.

That is all. This list may be expanded upon at any time, and is not necessarily inclusive.