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July 22, 2007
Unpublished Unfinished
There is so much stress right now, that I have been in a bit of a dervish... The family has suffered from it- but the housework project type stuff that I kept putting off is getting done. Feeling that compulsive need to organize shit around me- I think it is a surrogate for trying to get my brain chaos in order.
In any case, I have a letter in my unpublished stuff that I will be putting up later this week when I am done writing it. It has been a long time in the making, and will bring me one step closer to a closure and resolution of the loss of my best friend. It has been nearly 3 years since he died, and I haven't yet come to terms with it, nor acceptance. I think maybe had he been hit by a bus, or pushed off a cliff, I would have gone through this better, and long ago.... But my head and heart can't seem to pull it together "how" or "why" or "what the fuck was he thinking or feeling to think that stringing himself up by his belt in a garage was the only option?!" I digress.
I know all about the 5 stages of grief- and I have done a few and skipped others.... the final step for me will not be acceptance- it will be forgiveness.... I have yet to find it within me to forgive him for doing it, to let go of being royally pissed off at him and his ultimate act of selfishness and cowardice. I think that may be ready to come to an end.... so that I can say goodbye, and start carrying a scar on my heart instead of this open hemorrhaging gash that has been there for so long.
Anyways, I will find the strength and time to finish it, and I will post it here.
Posted by TheFreud at July 22, 2007 3:00 AM
Comments
I look forward to seeing it, even if it's only to help you get past the anger and hurt.
Posted by: Dad at July 22, 2007 4:04 PM
Oh, I know what you mean about being PISSED at someone for killing themselves!
But you have to imagine the horrible pain they were in and how scared they must have been that they just couldn't stand to be alive. That's the only sad thing.
Posted by: annie at July 22, 2007 6:51 PM
I don't know that we ever get over a loved one who has committed suicide. What Annie said about their suffering is so true, it's thru times like that where only my kids were enough to keep me alive. "There by the grace of God go I"
Posted by: jane at July 25, 2007 1:25 AM
Annie- I know and it's thinking about that that gets me all tore up iniside, and frankly pisses me off all the more.
Jane- How I wish he had had something he felt he could live for... mostly himself.
Posted by: MsF at July 25, 2007 11:28 AM
Me and your Dad carry that gash in our hearts as well. He was the son we never had. Even at our age, we can't imagine what he must have been thinking. Yes, it was cowardly and very selfish of him to do this to himself..let alone to his parents, his brother and his only daughter. I hope for her sake that as she gets older that those closest to him, can tell her why her Daddy did this.
But he never did anything half-assed, did he? I pray that God forgave him and let him into Heaven. The angels up there need to have a red-headed comedian up there, who loves bacon, to make them laugh!
Posted by: Mom at July 27, 2007 12:48 AM
