Goodbye

Dearest Kristian,

Today you would have been 34. Today, I would have called you and rubbed in the fact that you are 34, and I am not. We would have laughed and talked and it would have been like there wasn't 6000 miles between us, but we would be the same great friends we had been for 15 years.

I can't do that, though. You are dead.. by your own hand, no less.

I have spent a lot of time being angry at you for hanging yourself. The innumerable tears I have shed have been a mix of misery, sadness, and hatred. The why question is haunting and plaguing to a heart... especially when there is no answer to justify you just being gone, like a light snuffed out.

Too many times I have tried to understand what must have been going through your head; how bad you were hurting to think that death was the only doorway out... It's a circular kind of thought, really. It doesn't make sense to me that someone who always prided himself on being brave and charging through problems would just shrink from it all and just leave. I have been so angry at you for taking a cowards road out of this life, and a part of me will always think that. It has been hard resolving the ultimate act of selfishness- and why you felt it was the one thing you had control over. It's enough to drive someone crazy.

Finally, though I am not a point of complete closure, as I have yet to visit your memorial and pay my respects, I can say that I forgive you. That is not easy for me to say, as I am sure you know- but I forgive you. For going away and not saying goodbye. For not finding another way. For thinking of no one but yourself and your own pain. For leaving us here without you. I forgive you.

I want to say goodbye and cherish the one thing about you that rings in my mind every time I think of you- your laugh. It was wonderful, and infectious, and so straight from the heart. We had so many great times we shared... along with the really shitty things we did to each other... and all of it made us closer friends.

I hope you have found some peace for your tortured soul. I miss you terribly, and that is an ache that I can promise will never leave me- I wear it with pride knowing I was one of the few who knew you well enough to hurt.

I miss you.
I love you.
...Goodbye