9 Years

Happy Birthday to my baby boy... who is not so much a baby anymore. 9 years old. Holy shit, batman. I will not bore you by being one of those parents who says my kid is the smartest, cutest, most brilliant child in the world- who farts sunshine that smells like roses. I mean, he is to me.. but he is a really good kid, with a tender heart, a good sense of humor, and a quick wit, and it gets more fun everyday to see what he will say, do and teach me about life and myself every moment I get to spend with him.

For example... Today I learned that having a nine year old child, when 10 years ago I never thought I would have or want children, makes me feel really, really fucking old. I also learned that 90% of the time the answer to many questions I ask him is apparently, "I don't know." And, when I am irate and ask him what happened, or why he was screwing up, (i.e. Where did this mess come from?), the first word in his sentence is always his sister's name. (i.e.- "Rachel did...", or "Rachel said...")

I am fretting and anticipating the next few years. The years when he starts growing hair, and his voice cracks, and he has to start washing his own sheets- because having no siblings, know nothing about the whole wet dream thing. Those wonderful times when he gets a crush and starts chatting on the phone and internet... when he gets defensive and shy about girls he likes... His first rejection from the opposite sex, and how I can comfort him... The laughs we can have when he starts to "get" the innuendos on the almost family TV shows. How about the things he can confide in me that we have to keep a secret from his dad- the secrets he keeps from me. I know it is coming, so I am enjoying what I have while I have it... and can't wait to see what is around the corner.

Despite the trials and tribulations of daily parenting, I can say that having him makes my life better for so many reasons. Love you to infinity and beyond, Boy-o! Happy Birthday!

*end mushiness*

FIGMO...?

Yes, that's right, and I know I have been missed by few.... but for those who bother to check, thanks.

Let's see. Went to Disneyland Paris, did the big Thanksgiving thing, oh, yes... and got our orders for next summer.

We will be going to Grand Forks, North Dakota. Being that I am trying to be up beat about it, and looking (in vain, thus far) for positive words to say about my feelings on the matter, I will just say... We are going to North Dakota. Looking online has proved somewhat fruitless... It is cold, and flat and windy... and if you are an "outdoorsy" person, (which I am SO fucking not) it's nice in the summer.

There is one thing I can say- it has a Walmart and I think a Target, so I can permanently tell AAFES to kiss my big ass with their high prices and shitty selections.
Of course there is being able to have things shipped to my house again- because Fed Ex and UPS will deliver to me again. (Dunkin Donuts Coffee, here I come.) Other than than the common amenities of being back stateside, I am finding little to peak my interest... thus far. They have the best elementary kid's school there- no surprise to me, as there seems little else to do than go to school... But it is a real positive family wise.

Gimmie some time to mull things over once things are less hectic around here... and ask me again. In the mean time, if you have anything positive to say about living in ND- or any flat, titty nipple cold place for that matter... let me know.

Freud's Free Advice

I have some tips to make your life easier...

~Do not eat KFC food, unless you are looking for a serious laxative. KFC always comes with a free side order of "The Colonel's Revenge". Kinda like the water in third world countries. It is also apparent in other chicken joints- i.e.- Popeye's can give your gut a bad case of "The Bayou Blues". The results of these maladies are belly cramps to equate with a prison house shiv, and "shissing"- that is, shooting flaming, corrosive, anus eating battery acid out of your ass the next day, along with the melodious sound of a nearly empty ketchup bottle.

~You should never let your Family Practice doctor handle any System Specific Treatment. Let me give a few examples of why this is a bad idea...
It is probably not a good idea to get an antidepressant medication from a doctor who just came out of the next room dealing with little Timmy's sniffles. He doesn't really know shit about you, and will likely throw a Prozac scrip at you, not giving you another thought. Go see a shrink.
How about those annual pelvic exams? Do you want a guy coming into the room and training an unpracticed eye on your vagina right after he gave Uncle Bob a prostate exam in the next room? Try a doctor who spends all day looking at normal puss, so that when she sees something even a little off, she can take care of it.

~Don't ever yell at or get pissed off at the guy in the front... This is a retail thing. If you have a problem with the way things are going when dealing with a company, always ask for a supervisor. Not only are they more fun to yell at, they might even be able to solve a problem you have. The clerk, waitress or first rep to answer the 800 number is likely not in any position to fix anything, and doesn't make enough money to take any responsibility for his company sucking ass. I usually find getting 3 or 4 deep in the management tier can do wonders... then you can really stomp a mudhole in someone's ass.

~Next time you get so fucked up that you are having to hang on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth... before racking out, and praying the spinning of the bed doesn't make you puke, drink a big (HUGE) glass of water and take 2 or 3 aspirin. It is also very helpful to eat something at this time- like the left overs from the party. It has to be done before the inevitable set in of the morning hang over. This works best if you get up once for that final piss a few hours later- drink another huge glass of water- hangovers are caused by dehydration.

~Unless you are sufferer of chronic acne- please- pop that fucking zit! No one wants to see a mayonnaise filled pus pocket on your face. In the very least- drain the fucker with a needle, hot pack it and put some rubbing alcohol on it to speed the process of drying it out. It's just gross, and trust me- while 98% of people you meet won't notice that stain on your tie, or the size of your ass in those jeans- they WILL notice (and yes judge you) for having a festering whitehead on your face.
If you DO have chronic acne- i.e. 30 or more zits at any one time- go see a dermatologist. (See above- not your general practitioner.)

~Never forward spam. Never. This includes, but is not limited to- "The Andy Rooney" speech on living in America, national girlfriends week emails, not ashamed of God communiqués, supposed email petitions, or the "I had to try it" make money mails. Forwarding these types of communications makes you look like a bonafide schmuck. Personally it makes my delete key my best friend, and makes me think less of people who forward this shit to my in box. Seriously- just because you thought it was wonderful, stop and think if everyone on that arm-long list of people in your address book will too. If you must forward something that was SO damn good... Have some fucking class and copy/paste it into a new email, and drop the history'o'headers tracing back to the days of Moses.

That's all for now.
What advice do you offer for free to your "real" friends?

Movies when feeling weird....

Not sure if it is the weather changing to cold nights and chilly days or what... but for some reason I want to sleep. Like hibernate. All. The. Time. I can't seem to get warm, and I can't seem to wake up. It's not a depression thing, as my moods is fine. I am just ass dragging tired, and in a way that no coffee in the world could help.

Since the colder shorter days are coming, people seek more entertainment indoors- and I thought I would set forth a list of "Freud's Must See Movies"... as I have never done it before, and other than my usual bitchery- I am without anything to talk about. Please feel free to post if there is something you think I omitted, or a movie I like that you think sucks- so I can tell you you are wrong.

In no particular order- here we go...

~Lady Jane~ Great story, great love story, and based on a real person!

~Dogma~ Excellent- flies in the face of religion, especially "The Church", and what a better time to see Ben Affleck posing with wings?! We love eye candy!

~Excalibur~ Wonderful telling of the Arthurian legend- N. Williams as Merlin is awesome... and proof that Patrick Stewart never had hair.

~The Fast and the Furious~ Have a hard on for muscle cars? If you don't, you will after this flick. Vin Diesel is a shitty actor- but in this movie- he is pretty awesome.

~The Princess Bride~ Best sword fight in any movie. Ever. Oh! And Cary Elwes when he was still British and sexy.

~Real Genius~ Seeing this is a Moral Imperative.

~The Santa Clause~ One of the best Christmas movies ever made- because like it or not "It's a Wonderful Life" SUCKS, and is the bane of Christmas.

~Men in Black~ I have come to pretty much like most Will Smith movies- but this has to be my favorite. It should be yours too.

~Kingpin~ It has it all! Bill Murray as a dirt bag, Woody Harrison as a Pig, and Randy Quaid as an Amish dude. What more could you ask for?

~A League of Their Own~ This one speaks for itself, doesn't it?

Best love scene in any movie? Highlander. Most gorgeous costumes and sets? The King and I- the one with Deborah Kerr made in the 50's. I also have to tell you to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show- but you must see it in the theatre, on a weekend at midnight- and be devirginized by the cast.

What are your favorite movies? Discuss.

Boo! Not really that scary...

We survived our last halloween in Germany! This time next year, I will be picking up candy wrappers off the table in a different house... and something about those candies- "Fun Size". Seriously, if I were to quantify fun- I think it would be a little bigger.