Freud's Free Advice

I have some tips to make your life easier...

~Do not eat KFC food, unless you are looking for a serious laxative. KFC always comes with a free side order of "The Colonel's Revenge". Kinda like the water in third world countries. It is also apparent in other chicken joints- i.e.- Popeye's can give your gut a bad case of "The Bayou Blues". The results of these maladies are belly cramps to equate with a prison house shiv, and "shissing"- that is, shooting flaming, corrosive, anus eating battery acid out of your ass the next day, along with the melodious sound of a nearly empty ketchup bottle.

~You should never let your Family Practice doctor handle any System Specific Treatment. Let me give a few examples of why this is a bad idea...
It is probably not a good idea to get an antidepressant medication from a doctor who just came out of the next room dealing with little Timmy's sniffles. He doesn't really know shit about you, and will likely throw a Prozac scrip at you, not giving you another thought. Go see a shrink.
How about those annual pelvic exams? Do you want a guy coming into the room and training an unpracticed eye on your vagina right after he gave Uncle Bob a prostate exam in the next room? Try a doctor who spends all day looking at normal puss, so that when she sees something even a little off, she can take care of it.

~Don't ever yell at or get pissed off at the guy in the front... This is a retail thing. If you have a problem with the way things are going when dealing with a company, always ask for a supervisor. Not only are they more fun to yell at, they might even be able to solve a problem you have. The clerk, waitress or first rep to answer the 800 number is likely not in any position to fix anything, and doesn't make enough money to take any responsibility for his company sucking ass. I usually find getting 3 or 4 deep in the management tier can do wonders... then you can really stomp a mudhole in someone's ass.

~Next time you get so fucked up that you are having to hang on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth... before racking out, and praying the spinning of the bed doesn't make you puke, drink a big (HUGE) glass of water and take 2 or 3 aspirin. It is also very helpful to eat something at this time- like the left overs from the party. It has to be done before the inevitable set in of the morning hang over. This works best if you get up once for that final piss a few hours later- drink another huge glass of water- hangovers are caused by dehydration.

~Unless you are sufferer of chronic acne- please- pop that fucking zit! No one wants to see a mayonnaise filled pus pocket on your face. In the very least- drain the fucker with a needle, hot pack it and put some rubbing alcohol on it to speed the process of drying it out. It's just gross, and trust me- while 98% of people you meet won't notice that stain on your tie, or the size of your ass in those jeans- they WILL notice (and yes judge you) for having a festering whitehead on your face.
If you DO have chronic acne- i.e. 30 or more zits at any one time- go see a dermatologist. (See above- not your general practitioner.)

~Never forward spam. Never. This includes, but is not limited to- "The Andy Rooney" speech on living in America, national girlfriends week emails, not ashamed of God communiqués, supposed email petitions, or the "I had to try it" make money mails. Forwarding these types of communications makes you look like a bonafide schmuck. Personally it makes my delete key my best friend, and makes me think less of people who forward this shit to my in box. Seriously- just because you thought it was wonderful, stop and think if everyone on that arm-long list of people in your address book will too. If you must forward something that was SO damn good... Have some fucking class and copy/paste it into a new email, and drop the history'o'headers tracing back to the days of Moses.

That's all for now.
What advice do you offer for free to your "real" friends?