What Now?

One more week until Christmas. Weee! Other than the "Stucking Stoffers" the shopping is done. Now by shopping, I am of course talking sans gifts for the husband and myself. We are opting out of gift giving to each other due to the overwhelming sudden lack of funds. FUCKING CAR.

Speaking of the fucking car- as I was just in the shower I asked the powers that be, "Why couldn't you break MY POS rust bucket, instead of the decent family sedan?" When they didn't answer, I told them to suck themselves, and rinsed my hair.

It's not that any of this is so unmanageable. It's just one of those times in life that it is one fucking thing after another- and Christmas is a shitty time to have a crisis. When my world is in upheaval state- I gear into "strong, smart, down to business Freud". I handle big stress really well. Multitasking is my thing, and I can juggle it all with one hand. If I had a dick, I'd be able to switch hands mid jack-off and gain a stroke. It is why I have had people tell me I should be a paramedic or some other high paced stress position- I do crisis really well.

On the flip side, when one gets so focused on the big picture- the building of a proverbial skyscraper- the little shit tends to show up as stress fractures and threatens to bring my mighty front of strength tumbling down. Example- I dropped the TV remote on my toe yesterday- right on the cuticle- stung like a bitch- and I nearly threw the fucker against the wall. Thats' right, I took the minor injury of the TV clicker as a personal attack- it did that shit on purpose, I just know it. There is lots of little shit like that. The oven is making funny noises. The patio got trashed during the last wind storm, and it is cold as balls outside making it hard to clean it up. The dryer has something stuck in it and it makes this bumping noise when I turn it on. I think the profession of psychiatry is out to get me, and the doctor is so reluctant to listen to my suggestions, that I want to start jumping up and down on his fine leather couch like a 6 year old. The stupid ass cats are trying to tear down the damn Christmas tree with their daily antics.... and my kitchen floor looks like someone ate and then threw up a can of garbage on it within 3 hours of my cleaning it.

So- the balls I am juggling-

~Get the new car- get the funding, insurance and such lined up. Also, taking it to my mechanic to ensure everything is lubed, changed, tightened, and tuned. It also needs a new stereo deck- as it has a mini-disc in it right now. Who the fuck uses mini-discs?! They are the 90s equivalent of 8-tracks... and the one disc in it is Jazz. Blech! So THAT has to go... which means budgeting for that too.

~Ditch the old car, de-register it, take off insurance, and make sure the military VPC doesn't fuck it up and cause headaches when it is time to move. They have been known to let paper work go astray- and when we got my last car they said I couldn't register it because we hadn't removed a car from years before. I had to dig out 2 year old papers and take them in. Massive headache I don't need in June when we are trying to uproot our lives to go back stateside. The guy we are buying the new car from is going to try to sell the Trep for us on consignment for parts. We'll see how that goes. If nothing else, we can sign it over to him in the spring if there is no buyer, but I am hoping to get something out of it. Other than a blown tranny it is a flawless ride.

~Make sure nothing gets missed for Christmas. Yes it is little stuff, and may not seem to be all that important, as the kids will be thrilled no mater what. But I feel this is our last precious year to indulge the magic of Santa Claus- and I want to enjoy that fully... which means stockings full of goodies, fabulous presents appearing on Xmas morning, and a webcast for the family so they can be a part of it.

~Fixing the XBox. Miscrosucks is still fucking with me on getting a replacement for a 360 that is less than a year old. Looks like I will be paying shipping to and from the states for it to get fixed- even though last month a friend of ours got them to ship the coffin to his APO address. It is important, as I am not going to eat a $400 game system because they sell the shitty units to the military BX's and leave us hanging when it comes to repairs.

~My car- the rusty POS- needs lubed, oiled, filtered, tuned, rotated, balanced, a new battery and new brake pads. Every time I have gone down to get a few of those things done there is a line long as Goliath's pecker. The BX, in it's infinite wisdom closed the auto shop, so I have to make an appointment with the guy in town. More fucking money on the local economy with the dollar in the shitter. Grand!

~Then there is a regular stuff- ass deep in laundry, daily tear up and cleaning of the house, shopping, bill paying, keeping my kids from killing each other or the animals in the fray of daily arguments. What has two thumbs and thinks life sucks sometimes? THIS GUY!

I am sure there is a light at the end of this tunnel somewhere. After Christmas- when hopefully I get a respite for a month or so before the next big thing. In the mean time- this is my new theme song. Have to keep my head up and laugh at it- or find a nice white room staffed by syringe carrying young men in clean white coats.

Fabulous Timing

Fabulous fucking timing, in fact. Got an email in my ebay box this morning from a seller who runs a store... I poured for hours over all the inline skates that were out there. Some of the skates this place has advertised have a qualifier on them saying they will not ship to an APO address. I went out of my way to find some that did not have said qualifier on the listing, and ordered them. Well, the fuckers drop ship these skates, and guess what! No USPS delivery. Buncha Asshats! I have to call them today and see if there is something in their stock that they can replace the item with- either way, getting it here by Christmas is looking like fairly shitty odds. Fuckheads.

When I was little Mom had this joke printed on a standard 8.5 x 11.5 paper. Was a hand drawn picture of a reindeer, some trees, and a house- looking like it was drawn by a kid- and the quote said "Money's tight, and times are hard. Here's your fucking Christmas Card". Those in my life who actually get cards from me should not be surprised to see one show up on their doorstep this holiday season. My entire mood is in the toilet right now, as my husband came home and told me, "The transmission just blew up." (Cue: "WHAT?!" followed by my catatonic state.)

Yep... Got the sublime pleasure of standing out there, in the rain with the blood rushing into my ears while the tow truck was loaded with POS #1. It won't go into reverse, but will get into first- go about 200 feet, then slip out of gear. All of this was preceded by a loud clunk. If we are lucky- it is part of a recall I found where parts of the transaxle can rub and cause a tranny mount to crack/break and misalign the drive train. Maybe the clunk was a mounting bracket of somekind breaking. Otherwise- it will have to be completely fucking rebuilt... which means it will have to be shot in the radiator and top of the engine block with a .54 magnum to put it out of my fucking misery.... and I would enjoy the shit out of that, by the by, should the mechanic give me horrible news.

I am waiting for the guy to call me now and tell me what the fuck is wrong with it- but my creeping feeling is that it will be a rebuild/replacement, and I don't think Santa brings rebuilt trannys complete with free mechanics in his jolly ho ho bag. Mostly Christmas is already bought, paid for, and on the way (sans kids skates from fuckhead eBay sellers), so no big there- SO long as the kids presents are done... but with the dollar in the shitter, what would normally be an astronomical amount of cash for a repair in the states ($1500- $2200) will cost us 35% more here- and that sucks 2 weeks before Christmas.

I will hang out and wait for the call, I guess, hope for the best, prepare for the worst- and merrily sing "Fuck you, car. Fuck you, car. You can kiss my ass..." to the tune of jingle bells for the remainder of the day.

Too Far

SO, as I was sitting here doing my etoys order for the big Santa delivery, I stumbled across something that fucking floored me. An Action figure. Not just any action figure mind you. This isn't Superman or Wolverine. Oh, No sir! We gots us a Jesus Christ action figure. Wait... what? Jesus ACTION FIGURE? I had to include the picture to show I am not full of shit.

Since when did a prophet of old, known for peace and kindness, and love for his fellow man become an "Action Figure"? Damn- he doesn't even have karate chop action or a cool red cape and boots... Maybe he has the Miraculous Super Sandals, and Head Busting Loin Cloth under his frock. OOOooooh, you know what would be cool? If he had a button that made him float in someway that looked like walking on water. Seriously... What the fuck? I am all about people's freedom of faith and teaching your kids about "________"< (Insert supreme being of power here). But COME ON! a Jesus doll in stead of a spiderman? Maybe next year they can come out with a John the Baptist doll, complete with river dunking action and detachable head.

Can you imagine being that poor little kid who asked Santa for a Megatron Transformer and gets a non-karate chopping Christ? How do you explain that shit to your friends at school? "I got an Xbox 360! What did you get for Christmas, Billy?" ..."I got a talking plastic Jesus."... and then poor Billy would get his ass kicked. Yep- I think even at the best catholic school in the state- he would still get an ass whoopin' on the playground. I could see it as a gag gift for your favorite pastor- but if you are that tight with your ministry- I suggest a fruit basket...or a blow up sheep.

I know there are dolls that go the way opposite direction and are equally fucked up.... I don't let my daughter have "Bratz" dolls, as they look like street walking whores, and the whole line's premise is based on mall strutting in make up put on with a stucco trowel to get boys... they also don't have noses- and that's just creepy. As for my son- I have never found X-men or the Fantastic Four to be a bad thing for a boy to have... Super heroes are cool shit. Yeah, yeah, Jesus is cool shit too- but not as a toy- and I am quite certain that a kid could end up in long term adult therapy for having the kind of parents that would buy him a Christ over a Spiderman.

By the by- check the shipping price on that bitch... $139.00. For that amount I would think it would at least come with Romans to smite- or Pharisees to blind... At least it could include a cross... I don't care who ya are- that shit is just wrong.

Jingle... quick and easy

FInally dug the tree out yesterday and strung it with gorgeous lights... Murphy's Law kicked in, of course, and somehow I am missing a box of lights somewhere. It has just disappeared. So- I will have to aquire more for the outside decor. That might prove to be a challenge, as I will not be buying 220v lights with us leaving next year, and I know damn good and well AAFES is going to be their usual terrible fucking disappointment and have nothing... So this year, the patio may go unlit. As much as I hate that idea- it may be for the best- no lights up, means no lights to take down.

In said same missing box are some of my shelf knick knacks, and my tree garland. Can't have a tree without garland, at least I can't. Solution? I will be going to get bags of cranberries and popcorn. As it turns out this will solve more than one problem- as it is raining and pukey outside yet again and stringing garland will keep the kids occupied for at least a couple of hours. They will happily push string thru food- (until they get bored of it and I am stuck finishing 80% of it on my own.) But when Christmas has passed- the garland can hit the trash can- and that is one less thing to put away and lose in the move stateside.

I haven't started my shopping yet, and other than one big order from etoys, and a few bits here and there from eBay, I may not be doing much shopping this season. May be the upcoming move, but I am so much more focused on not packing the house full of shit I am going to have to sort through later, than I am with how many presents are under the tree. So ho, ho, ho and 'tis the season, and all that shit- but this year I think I am going to be streamlining.